Pointless

           Have you ever had that feeling that everything that is going on in your life seems perfect? Things are happening the way you wanted it. Everything you do makes sense. Then, in an instant, one person goes away. You lost that one person who is the reason why you are doing the things that you do. All of a sudden, everything seems so pointless?

          March is my birth month and I expected it to be my lucky month but why does everything looks so fucked up. Nothing's going right. -C

FUCKED UP LIFE

              What will you do if one day you realized that you have a fucked up life?

              There are five reasons why I believe that my life is a mess.

         One, I can't find a new employer no matter how positive my outlook is. It's like everyone keeps me hanging after the interview. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or I'm asking for too much. But it's really frustrating and disappointing to be the one always waiting for THE CALL. I'm losing my hope.

           Two, I just lost my mother and I'm a mama's girl. Enough said.

           Three, I'm broke. I don't have anymore shoulders to lean on since my mother died. And because I'm paying for my nephew's schooling, I cannot control my expenses. Now, I don't know how I can pay my bills.

           Four, I have no one to turn to. I really wish I have someone who I can talk to and would be willing to imprison me in his embrace while I cry all my frustrations out. Someone who will be willing to listen to all my rant outs without feeling the need to respond and give his opinion. Someone who will just wipe my tears and comfort me until I fell asleep in his arms.

            Lastly, my father found a replacement. I can't accept that. I can't even welcome the idea that some woman is living in the same house with my father trying to replace all the memories that I have left of my Mama. Everything about it is unacceptable for me. Call me cruel but I just can't. It's only been 9 months and I'm still mourning. I love my Mama so much that she's the only person I can ever trust and can love me the way I want to be loved.
 

             After all that has been said, I wish there is someone who can turn this shit around. Or will You hear my prayer if at this point in my life I'd wish to die? If someone recruits me for a program like Treadstone, be a spy and leave my family and my old life behind, I'd take it. Anything that will give me a new name, new identity and new job away from all of this, I'd take it.

               I can't face this shit right here. I'm not strong enough for this. I can only take so much. The only action I can think of right now is to escape. Go some place where nobody knows me. Start anew -- new environment, new people around me. A place where nothing will remind me of what I left behind. Be a new person, create a new life, a better life. One without attachments, one without commitments. Be a ghost. -C

So-So

One at a time.

Step by step.

One good news received today.

A progress.

But I won't be crushed if this fails.

My world is not gonna stop.

Even if this thing right here won't become a reality.

Life goes on.

There are a lot of other options.

And I can create more when everything runs out.

My life won't depend on something I can't control.

I like running things on my own.

And I like my life so-so.