Deactivate

     I’ve been out of social media for the past few weeks. It started when I received an infuriating message from a family member and my immediate reaction was to delete my messenger app. I felt it wasn't enough so I deactivated my facebook account too, followed by my twitter and instagram account. My friends had difficulty contacting me though so I had to reactivate one. So far so good. Deactivating my facebook account gave me the freedom I never thought I needed. I stayed lurking on my fan account but fangirling became toxic too towards the end of November so I left. Right now, I am trying to fully concentrate on my work while enjoying the company of my friends. We’re also planning for our trip for the coming Christmas and 2018. I wish things to get better but for now, let me enjoy this freedom. -C

How Do You Deal with Pain?

 

     I’ve been avoiding heartbreaks and heartaches my whole life. Okay, maybe not completely because I love imagining and reading angst stories. But in real life, I never let myself be in a position where one person can have the power to break my heart. In my 30 years of existence on Earth, I’ve only had two serious heartbreaks that I believe I have not completely moved on until today. One was when I discovered that the guy that I really like is committed to someone else, I was 18 back then. Second was when I lost my mother which happened only four years ago. Today, I can’t believe I’m feeling this again and I can’t believe I’m crying over it.

     I’m in the office when I read it on Instagram. Funny how social media plays a big part in all three of my painful life events. It’s 4:36pm and I’m supposed to be working but all I want to do right now is go home, bury my head under the pillow, sulk and cry. I want to listen to sad songs and feel the pain and hurt myself some more. And while I’m doing all of that, I want the rain to fall! I want to run on the edge of a cliff and scream my pain. That is really dramatic but I’m seriously freaking hurting right now!

     I have plans to go to church but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to control my waterfall of tears. It's embarrassing. I’m so mad at myself right now because I gave someone the power to break my heart, break me. I invested too much emotions when I shouldn’t have cared at all. I had a choice, I don’t want to regret anything because that part of my life was happy. I was happy for almost three years.

I Was Curious, I Got Hurt
 
I was just curious

so I moved closer

I fell, but I did not care

it was a happy place, I swear.

The magic continues

we got more ambitious

thought of forever

come hell or high water

Milestones by milestones

we were on top of them all

until one rock fell

followed by a couple more

We tried to get up

stand up and fall again

now we’re in a lot of pain

but who is to blame?

Pointing fingers started the rift

now we can’t get past it

I didn’t like the fall out

but I hated the pain more. -C
 

Saturday Currently Vol. 1

    Today, I decided I'd be doing a Saturday Currently which will be a regular update (hopefully!) moving forward. This will be a refresh of my whole Saturday or the last seven days if Saturday turns out to be uneventful. If you are a fan of Maine Mendoza (yup! she is that girl), which I am, a big fan in fact, you would know that this is inspired by her Sunday Currently. But since I am living somewhere in the Middle East, my week starts on a Sunday and ends on a Thursday, hence the slight change.

    I've been wanting to update this blog for a while now but I've been lacking of ideas to write and eventful days to write about. The previous weeks have been busy for me especially with office work, too busy in fact that I think of quitting (effective immediately) every single day. That decision would've been easy if only I don't have anything planned out next year. But I do (have a plan) for Q1 of next year so I gotta stay put for now and finish this task at hand. Sabi nga ni Vivienne ng Love Is, "hinga lang, laban lang".

    Going back to this "currently", today is the first time in a long time that I was able to relax -- woke up late, watch the Warriors game, read stories on Wattpad, lurk on Twitter, be a Gudak noob and settle on Huji cam, write something on my other "notebook" and of course, update this blog. I decided that I want to share my travel experiences here. I was hesitant to do it before because I was trying to hide this blog from my friends, *whispers* because this is where I used to vent out my hate towards some people in the past. *grins* It seems though that a lot of friends now know about this dirty little secret so why hide? Yes, Charina, why hide?

Photo captured using Huji Cam app. I failed with Gudak. Haha! I am such a noob that I did not even change the year settings.

    Next week, when I have the time, I'd start with my Batanes trip. That one was my latest travel and the experience was still fresh so I think I can easily recall the details and write about it faster. Of course I'd share pictures and I might back-date the entries too to make it look like I posted it right after the trip. LOL!

    So there, Saturday currently, sitting on my bed, TV is switched on but volume's on mute so I can concentrate on writing while eating sweet melon. I didn't do any office work today and I feel guilty about it and I hate that guilt feeling. I can start ranting about fairness and equality but I gotta hold that thought for now. Tomorrow is another day at the office and I hope it will be less stressful than the past few days because I don't think I can handle it anymore. -C

Friends with Benefits

     Nope, this is not what you think it is. Friends with benefits -- friends who would only want to hang out with you as long as they get the benefit. No, not sexual benefit but perks and tokens and free things. Do you get me yet? This is the same concept as girls leading you on while you court them as long as they are enjoying your gifts. They will accept your gifts even if they don't really like you because, hey, it's free anyway. They have nothing to lose.

     So what is my point exactly? Okay, what I'm trying to say is, it is really difficult to find real friendship in this world full of plastics. At one point in your life, you'll have a lot of friends. But as you grow older, you'll retain just a few. Me, I'd rather have few who are genuine and will be there to stay than have a lot but half will stab you in the back. Quality over quantity.

     One quality of a person that really turns me off -- one who always wants something for "free". One that will get you drunk if you had to drink every time he or she mentions the word "free". Is it all about money for us nowadays? I don't know but maybe my parents brought me up differently. Or maybe because my father was a public servant when I was growing up and learning things. My mother specifically told me that I should not be falling in line to receive freebies when I, myself, have enough to give the freebies.

     Okay, enough of the freebies because I'm tired of those plastics and barbies. Let me just tell you about how I want my friends to be. I want my friends to be crazy, rarely say I miss you and I love you and all that mushy and cheesy stuff but when we say it we know that it's true. We rarely talk about the serious stuff because once we do, tears will begin to fall. And once talk includes tears, boy we need a drink. We talk about problems and we have each others' backs. We keep our circle tight and close and not expand just for connections. We are brutally honest and we value trust.

     My main point is that I'm never gonna be okay being friends with people who only wants to hang out with other people because they get something for free. I'd rather fly solo. -C