I Can and I Will!

          When it rains, it pours. Just like problems or let’s just put it as challenges. But whatever you call them, it doesn’t change the fact that they are pouring. I don’t know how they are supposed to help me. I don’t know why I have to go through all these. I may know all the quotable quotes for every situation especially for situations like this one that I am in right now but, ironically, I cannot seem to apply them at this very moment. I thought I was clever at giving advices, telling people what to do and how to do it, dealing with the most difficult situations. I realize I suck at dealing with my own problems.

          I thought having troubles with my studies is the biggest problem I could have right now but I guest not. I hate to say this but my parents suck at making things better. I know that having petty fights is inevitable between two people but I can feel that theirs is getting serious and is at its worst. I want to ask, why now? Why do they have to do this when everything in school is so exhausting? I feel like everything is just too much. I may not be able to handle it. I may seem okay with my schoolmates but inside, I’m not really okay. I am just not good at sharing things with other people, not even my friends. That is one of my weaknesses. I am too distrustful of everyone. I guess it’s because every time I put my trust into someone, they screwed up. And it came to this point where I cannot seem to trust anyone.

          I was continually asking, no one in particular, why do they have to do this right now? Cannot it happen later? Cannot it happen after I graduate? Or at least after the time I am certain that I am really graduating? Geeez! So I guess that is why they call it as challenges. It happens at the wrong time. But I am telling myself, these challenges won’t stop me from chasing my dreams. They cannot put me down. I can do this even if I am alone. My brother will not bother asking, my sister will not care, and my other sister who cares is not in the country. All she can do is care. That’s why I feel like fighting alone. But I am a tough kid. I can overcome all of these. I can overcome everything. They cannot hinder my dreams and my goals. I will graduate this semester! Whatever challenges are yet to come. I can do this. And I know that things will not always be like this. -C

2008: To Love or To Hate

Since I learned what New Year is (which I cannot remember when), I have always been looking forward to it. As a matter of fact, I am more excited for it that for Christmas. May be because of the fireworks, it looks more lively. Everybody is awake, anxiously waiting for the countdown and when everybody starts counting and it comes down to zero, everybody will jump their highest jump. You will see some are throwing coins, making their pocket full of coins sound the loudest, people hugging, people eating, people yelling and all that. Oh how I love New Year.

This New Year, 2008, is different. Well, yes, I am excited and loving it but I am scared at the same time. This is the year when there are a bunch of realities that I have to face. The reality that I am to add another year to my age this March, the reality that I am expected to graduate on May, the reality that I am expected to pass the CPA Board Exam on October, the reality that I am supposed to find a job (and I mean real and serious job) after passing the board exam probably December and God knows what other expectations might follow after that. I feel my life flashes before me, a sign that made me realize that everything is becoming a serious matter for me. This is the real life waiting by the door welcoming me. This is the real life that I have been dreaming of since I was a kid. Now I wish to go back from being a kid when everything was so simple. But I know it won’t happen. Should I enter now or should I let another year pass? Wait until I’m ready. Or waiting will just be a waste of time?

This one that they call life is a stressful and pressuring for me. Everybody is saying “you can do it!” Everybody believes that you can do everything. But that statement for me means more that what it actually says. It means “everybody knows that you can do it therefore you should not fail”. This is too much to carry over my shoulder. What if you even doubt if you will pass the examinations at school? What more for a board exam? What if graduating from the last semester is not even certain? What more in finding a serious job? There are so many doubts and uncertainties in this world yet it feels like people around you already know what will be the outcome. Sometimes, I just want to be one of the expectators instead of being the one expected to do something. How can they have so much faith in me when I, myself, don’t?

I should not lose hope. There are so many people believing in me – family, friends, classmates, professors, neighbors, acquaintances. I must not let them down. I believe that God will guide me and he will never let me fall. He will guide me the way he did every time I feel like giving up. I believe he has plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me. And if ever life decides to knock me down, I must choose to get back up. That’s how life is supposed to be.

Whatever the outcome will be this coming March, May, October and after that, I should not be ashamed. I have gone this far, I reckon, my failures will never fail me. I won’t let them. I am a survivor, I love my life and there’s nothing to hate about it. There is everything to be proud of. I am not cocky and I am not bragging.

There may be some situations that are out of control but in the long run, we will be thankful that we have gone through all those situations which made us live the now most lovable and exciting life. So love your life, if you can’t then maybe you can do something to make it lovable and exciting. -C