Crack the Code

Try to climb the wall, I'll push you right back then build a higher wall. 

Keep a safe distance, I might go out and bump into you in a strange happenstance.

Say the magic word, I might welcome you aboard.

Do the right thing, I might open the gate and let you in. -C

Doubts and Praises

         She is a shy girl. She does not respond well to acknowledgements and appreciations. She is not used to being showered with praises so she tends to reply with sarcasm. She will start to doubt you when you try to tell good things about her. She is so distrustful she would immediately think that you are doing or saying things because that is what you think is what she wanted to see or hear. You may think that she feels giddy and excited about your flattery but the truth is she that was just being polite and she hates the attention. -C

Twenty Nine

Today marks my 29th year of existence on earth. I really have very low expectation for today since I'm abroad and I don't have my family and friends here. In fact, as a gift, I just wanted to go home early from work and have a good rest which I have not done for the last 2 months. By the way, today also marks my 2nd month here in the Middle East. Double celebration right? But nah, all I want is a good, long and peaceful sleep.

I started my day early since I have a deadline today. Plus, I was kind of hoping that I can get out of the office earlier than my weekday routine. See, I was fine this morning. Just having a little pity party that I need to get up early and I'm exhausted but... I was fine. I don't have the time to dwell on anything. I was too busy, too occupied with a lot of work.

Then the afternoon came. Did I mention that ever since I came here I felt like I've done nothing right? It's like the word "mistake" is written all over my output. I've put a lot of effort in everything that I do but I still feel like that's not enough. I feel very inefficient. And that's not me. I take my job very seriously. But what made this day worse is a comment that definitely bruised my ego, broke my heart and pull my self-esteem to the lowest level. 

"Whatever she does, make sure you check it. And check every line item if you have to do it."

As an analyst/accountant, this is a big deal. This has got to be the biggest insult I have ever received in my professional life. My former officemates know how I work and I believe I've earned their respect because of that. But being talked about negatively in my profession is really insulting let alone be the subject of two people sitting right next to you. And it's like they didn't even try to be discreet. It's like they wanted you to hear.

In my entire life, I've never aimed to be recognized. I just wanted to be valued. Even my CV can attest to that. And I always say that during my interviews. So if a company cannot give me that in return of my hardwork and dedication, then I don't think it will work out for me. -C

I Hope I Made You Proud

     Feb. 11th is always an emotional day for me since my Mom died. It’s her birthday and every year reminds me how much I regret not showing her how much I love her. I wish I did better as a daughter. I wish I had given her everything she needed and wanted. I wish I showered her with love, kisses and “I love you”s. I wish I opened up more and showed her how much she meant to me.

     I already had my moment (and by moment I meant crying while remembering) last Thursday, 11th but today, 19th while working at the office, I was playing music as I usually do. But this time I was playing The Script’s concert in Croke Park in the background to keep myself from dozing off. As a part of their No Sound Without Silence tour setlist, the first note of a song sent me to tears because it reminded me of you. I know it’s too late to do this but, Mama, this song is for you. I hope I made you proud. -C

If You Could See Me Now - The Script

photo taken during The Script's No Sound Without Silence Tour in Manila

A Reason To Go On

So... This is it. I'm here – abroad. I'm officially an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker). To be honest, I don't really know what to expect with my new job, the environment and all. I saw a lot of Filipinos as soon as my plane landed so I guess it's a good sign. Anyway, I came here with an open mind and without any expectation so it should be a good start. I hope it’s a good start.

Five days ago…

It was Monday when I received a call from the agency informing me that I MIGHT be flying on Saturday. It got me thinking, "this is it, it's happening". I had to stop everything I was doing at that moment to think about my decision. Not that I was having second thoughts or something like that but... I had a realization. It has sunk in. I'm leaving my family. I'm leaving my home. I'm leaving my friends. I'm leaving everything I'm comfortable with. I’m leaving the life I’ve grown up to.

The next day, the recruitment person called to inform me that they’ve already booked me a flight on Friday evening. Wait a minute, Friday?, it’s a day earlier than the original plan. Okay. Friday. Today is Tuesday. That's three days from now. I'm freaking out. Everything's been confirmed. Ticket's booked. My heart is beating irregularly and my mind is imagining a lot of scenarios especially because I'll be flying alone. I've only flown out of the country once. I was with a lot of friends then and it was just for a 3-day tour. Alright, I'm having my PDOS (Pre-Departure Orientation Seminar) right now and I have to focus. Though they don't make me feel less nervous, still, I have to concentrate. But my mind is constantly escaping the orientation room.

Fast forward to Friday, early on I have decided I don’t want anyone from my family to drive me to the airport or any of my friends for that matter. I know how those stories go. When one starts crying, I’ll probably start doing the same. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to leave with tears in our eyes. I won't cry. I don't cry. I’m going to come back anyway. This is not for good. But like a promise, hours before I leave, I decided I needed a car for my luggage bags. Also, I had to do some errands before I go to the airport so I need a car. Yeah, that’s the only reason. I need a car. 

With all the nervousness and freaking out the past few days, surprisingly, I was calm and collected that day. Except that time when it’s 20 minutes past 8 o’clock and we were still stuck in traffic. My flight is leaving at 11 in the evening and I was supposed to be in the airport 3-4 hours before that. I was trying to listen and occasionally laugh at my 5-year old nephew’s innocent remarks but deep inside I was really getting anxious and worried. I bowed my head down and practically prayed to every saint that I can recall at that time that we reach the airport before it’s too late. Amazingly, we were able to get to Terminal 1 on time. As soon as the car parked, I jumped out of it and ran towards the entrance dragging my backpack and luggage bag. No time for mushy-sappy-emotional goodbyes. I'm not comfortable with that. Just waves, “take care”s and a kiss for my nephew/godson. Didn’t even took a minute.

Inside the departure area, I was trying to organize my thoughts, be attentive, observe and act like I know what I'm doing. I was trying to remember all the instructions explained to me during the orientation and final briefing. I didn’t want to look like a kid lost in a sea of people. I want to look as if I've been doing this flying thing regularly so people won’t prey on me. Plus there are those "laglag-bala" incidents so I really need to be alert. Instinct and confidence were my only weapon at that time and those were enough. I survived the process. I survived the barriers. I survived the flight. My plane landed safely. I’m here now in the hotel room, alone.

I remember one year ago, I prayed for this. I felt so lost that I wanted to go somewhere far away. I wanted to start a new life. Restart. I wanted to disappear or go someplace where nobody knows me. Funny but I even dreamt of joining CIA because I felt like I have nothing left to lose. I have no fear. My greatest fear already happened. I know I still have a purpose in this world because I'm supporting my nephews with their schooling and my father, my father asked me to never leave him. But beyond that, I'm not sure anymore. I felt like I'm still living because other people needed me. But when I think about myself, I can't find a reason to go on. And I hope this new chapter of my life gives me a reason that can change my mind how I think about my life. -C