Gesture

Did this ever happen to you?

           You are going some place and you know that you might bump into someone you've been wanting to see. And you've been having these thoughts of having a small casual talk with this person but then he said something personal and a little intimate that you can't say a single word because you didn't know how to respond to his 'gesture'.

            Damn! In speech and conversation skills, I should've paid attention.

But the Vital Truth is...

I was stupid enough not to respond to his "ingat" gesture.

And I won't be any more stupid by letting him think I'm a snob. I cannot let that happen again. -C

Biggest Fear

         Day 1 in Hongkong, my first out-of-the-country trip, I received a message from my sister. 

"Pwede ba tayo mag-usap importante lang. Ayos ba pakiramdam mo? Kailan ka makakabalik?"

 

And with that message I knew instantly that something's wrong and something so bad had happened.  Then followed by:

"Sa Friday sana pagbalik mo diretso ka na dito sa Laguna... Hinihintay ka ng Mama..."

        I don't even want to think about it at that time but I know that it's not impossible to happen. I tried to ignore the feeling but I guess I just can't brush it off until someone tells me what's wrong. Right then and there my aunt from HongKong messaged me on Facebook and asked me to call her from the hotel room that we're staying.

        She broke the news to me. Tears flowed and raced like there's no tomorrow. I can't remember how I was able to talk while crying and sobbing. I said goodbye but can't stop crying. I guess I just needed to hear it to let go of the building emotions inside my chest. The feeling of guilt, worry, loss and devastation crept like vultures in the dark. I just sit there with four pair of eyes waiting for me to talk but no one wanted to ask the question.

Fast forward... 

         I guess I'm better now. Not okay but better. People kept asking me if I'm okay and I honestly tell them I'm not. I'm not okay. I'm not gonna be okay. I never thought I'd be able talk about 'it' without breaking down. Losing her was my biggest fear. Losing the most important person in my life is the most painful. How am I supposed to go on with my  life without her. She was my inspiration, my motivation, my savior and my hero. Living a life without her is like living a life without the will. -C

INEVITABLE

             For a day, I have to trust the Lord that "The Happiest Place on Earth" can erase all the pain of the inevitable. Because forever is a lie. Forever is not real. Train once even said that even Bieber ain't forever. Sure I had a few relapses. I secretly wiped my tears not to let them notice.

            As I sit inside a bus on our way back to Manila, dark clouds covered the sky. The road was wet from raining while it drizzles on and off. My eyes are a bit swollen from crying when another question pops in my head, who will hold my hand when I give birth to my firstborn? You will never see my child. Neither you'll be there to walk me down the aisle when I get married. I hope I can be as close as a mother that you were. In another life, I hope God will still be kind enough to make me your daughter again.

          I remember how you taught me my very first speech. You stayed by my side to make sure that I won't forget a single word. I remember how you hated it when you see me 'inked' with Vince Hizon's name on my arm. Albeit it's just a ballpen ink, you still hated the fact that I like tattoos.

           I remember how you hated my 'rebellious' black shirts. You believe it's bad omen while I think it's cool. I remember how your world stopped when I innocently asked you what a "blow job" is. And I remember how you recovered with a smart answer saying that it's a bad word because if you interchange the words, it will read job blow (diablo).

            I remember our first fight over a broken curfew law. I treated you cold while you reached out to me. I remember how I got mad at you over a crappy boyband cassette tape. I was throwing tantrums but you were able to come up with lines that made me look like the 'not thoughtful' one when you were the one who forgot.

           I remember how you taught me to be confident by saying "bakit ka mahihiya? Wala ka bang mukha?" But I believe I'll never have the kind of confidence that you had. I remember how you always describe me as "walang dila". See, I'm always scared and distrustful of people to try to talk to them.

          I remember how your face lit up when I told you I wanted to take Accountancy. You wanted me to teach but my idea was better. I remember how your face went pale when I told you that I was so close to being expelled from college. You were afraid that everything we've been working on so hard would be washed away in an instant.

       I remember how you didn't allow me to watch a basketball game on my 18th birthday. Such a bummer. But I always listen to you no matter how I hated the idea that it was based on some stupid superstition. Just like how you didn't permit me to go swimming after our high school graduation. Heck, you didn't even let me attend the testimonial dinner after my oath-taking. 

          I remember how your voice cracked over the phone when I told you I passed the CPA board exam. You were so proud, I can tell. It makes my heart want to burst with happiness. You wanted me working in a bank. I wanted more. And I got more.

           I remember how you freaked out when you see the scar on my neck thinking it was a permanent tattoo. You shook me so hard while I was laughing at you. I remember the relief on your face when I told you it was just a scar from having henna ink reapplied on it. You really hated tattoos.

       I remember I once told you that I don't want to get married but you told me otherwise and worriedly asked who will take care of me when I get old. I remember how you constantly reminded me to choose a man who can and will understand my work so he won't question every time I spend working.

           I clearly remember my 26 years of existence on Earth with you and I will never forget that you are the only person I ever trusted. Your words are the only advice that I ever listened to. Your thoughts are the only truths I ever believed in. I may have lost you but your memories will stay with me forever. And I will give everything if I can have you back. I love you, Mama. - C

Game Over

It's two in the morning and I'm listening to John Mayer

Saying that nobody wins in a heartbreak warfare

While I lie in my bed and at the ceiling I stare

Whoever said that in love and war, all is fair.

I once lost a necklace but I didn't care

Didn't waste a single minute, didn't even dare

I once lost a favorite shirt still I didn't care

I may have searched for hours but I get it out of my hair.

We can be friends, no we never were

How about almost lover 'cause we're almost there?

I always thought we were something until it was December

I was never part of the picture, I should've been more clever.

I was waiting for you to get your shit together

We can have a fairy tale, always and forever

A piece of a puzzle, you came around, buzzer-beater

I listened, I believed like a child to her mother.

Like a promise of forever, I waited I remember

Only to be crushed ten days later

You couldn't even tell me, guess who's the news bearer?

Boy I thought you were different, I thought you were better.

You could've skype-d me, or yahoo messenger

What was your defense, she's aggressive? Oh screw her!

I couldn't blame you, you've always been a player

Everything is clear now, the truth is blindingly brighter.

So don't tell me you miss me, you liar!

Don't tell me you're lonely, I know better.

Next time you talk to me, no "sorry", don't bother

Drunken or sober, I'll stick it to your head, game over. -C

Façade

            He has this air of cockiness when he speaks. He will make you feel stupid when he's around. He thinks that he knows everything, Mr. Know It All. Do not be fooled. That's just the effect that he will have on you but the truth is, he is just that. Nothing more. He maybe beautiful outside but inside, he is shallow and has a mind of a junior high school. Some maybe impressed but not me. He thinks he's on top of the world whatever world that is, I don't know. All I know is that the facade cannot deceive me. I may not have a single romantic relationship with a guy but I know a trash when I see one. And it really makes me sick when a person who doesn't know anything about something talks a lot about something as if he knows everything. -C

LIMIT

THAT'S IT! I AM SO PISSED OFF I COULD CRY. -C

Loudmouth

You go to work with all the good vibes you gathered along the way but you will be greeted by a loudmouth who never stops whining. Sigh. -C

A Little Bit of Everything

I can be corny;

I can be nerdy;

I can be weird;

I can be dorky.

I can be reserved;

I can be transparent;

I can be cautious;

I can be spontaneous.

I can be honest;

I can be blunt;

I can be cryptic;

I can be mysterious.

I can be quirky;

I can be boring;

I can be snappy;

I can be jumpy.

I can be cool;

I can be funny;

I can be sweet;

I can be kind.

I can be a little bit of everything with the different types of people around me. You can say I'm plastic but I call it adaptability. When I don't like someone, I can be civil but I can also be a real bitch. -C

Nothing

            You are not supposed to have a little "Sawyer" with "Lindsey". It wasn't part of our story. But you know what, it didn't hurt as much as I expected it. In fact, I was more hurt when I found out that Danny O'Donoghue is flirting with a Filipina. Maybe I wasn't really into you. Maybe I was just so drowned with the idea of us when in fact, there's NOTHING.

            A story once so vivid is turning to be just a painting slowly fading. -C

Story of Us

             I always believed that our story is already written like that of Lucas and Peyton. Let me tell you how and why.

               You met me when I was with "Nathan". You were like brothers back then and I assume up to now. Your cousin is the closest "Haley" I can think of. I thought you like me but you girlfriend-ed my "Brooke." I moved on and try to find my "Jake" just to realize that I still have feelings for you.

               I went to "LA" to work. You followed me and ambushed me with a proposal. I know I should've said yes but I said not yet. I thought we were cool until I woke up and you were gone and far away.

               So this story of us... You've found your "Lindsey". You are supposed to come back to "Tree Hill" so I can tell you how I feel. You can tell me you hate me and we can both be miserable. Eventually, you'll ambush me with another proposal and we'll both realize we are meant to be together, forever. -C