Biggest Fear

         Day 1 in Hongkong, my first out-of-the-country trip, I received a message from my sister. 

"Pwede ba tayo mag-usap importante lang. Ayos ba pakiramdam mo? Kailan ka makakabalik?"

 

And with that message I knew instantly that something's wrong and something so bad had happened.  Then followed by:

"Sa Friday sana pagbalik mo diretso ka na dito sa Laguna... Hinihintay ka ng Mama..."

        I don't even want to think about it at that time but I know that it's not impossible to happen. I tried to ignore the feeling but I guess I just can't brush it off until someone tells me what's wrong. Right then and there my aunt from HongKong messaged me on Facebook and asked me to call her from the hotel room that we're staying.

        She broke the news to me. Tears flowed and raced like there's no tomorrow. I can't remember how I was able to talk while crying and sobbing. I said goodbye but can't stop crying. I guess I just needed to hear it to let go of the building emotions inside my chest. The feeling of guilt, worry, loss and devastation crept like vultures in the dark. I just sit there with four pair of eyes waiting for me to talk but no one wanted to ask the question.

Fast forward... 

         I guess I'm better now. Not okay but better. People kept asking me if I'm okay and I honestly tell them I'm not. I'm not okay. I'm not gonna be okay. I never thought I'd be able talk about 'it' without breaking down. Losing her was my biggest fear. Losing the most important person in my life is the most painful. How am I supposed to go on with my  life without her. She was my inspiration, my motivation, my savior and my hero. Living a life without her is like living a life without the will. -C