How Do You Deal with Pain?

 

     I’ve been avoiding heartbreaks and heartaches my whole life. Okay, maybe not completely because I love imagining and reading angst stories. But in real life, I never let myself be in a position where one person can have the power to break my heart. In my 30 years of existence on Earth, I’ve only had two serious heartbreaks that I believe I have not completely moved on until today. One was when I discovered that the guy that I really like is committed to someone else, I was 18 back then. Second was when I lost my mother which happened only four years ago. Today, I can’t believe I’m feeling this again and I can’t believe I’m crying over it.

     I’m in the office when I read it on Instagram. Funny how social media plays a big part in all three of my painful life events. It’s 4:36pm and I’m supposed to be working but all I want to do right now is go home, bury my head under the pillow, sulk and cry. I want to listen to sad songs and feel the pain and hurt myself some more. And while I’m doing all of that, I want the rain to fall! I want to run on the edge of a cliff and scream my pain. That is really dramatic but I’m seriously freaking hurting right now!

     I have plans to go to church but I’m afraid that I won’t be able to control my waterfall of tears. It's embarrassing. I’m so mad at myself right now because I gave someone the power to break my heart, break me. I invested too much emotions when I shouldn’t have cared at all. I had a choice, I don’t want to regret anything because that part of my life was happy. I was happy for almost three years.

I Was Curious, I Got Hurt
 
I was just curious

so I moved closer

I fell, but I did not care

it was a happy place, I swear.

The magic continues

we got more ambitious

thought of forever

come hell or high water

Milestones by milestones

we were on top of them all

until one rock fell

followed by a couple more

We tried to get up

stand up and fall again

now we’re in a lot of pain

but who is to blame?

Pointing fingers started the rift

now we can’t get past it

I didn’t like the fall out

but I hated the pain more. -C