INEVITABLE

             For a day, I have to trust the Lord that "The Happiest Place on Earth" can erase all the pain of the inevitable. Because forever is a lie. Forever is not real. Train once even said that even Bieber ain't forever. Sure I had a few relapses. I secretly wiped my tears not to let them notice.

            As I sit inside a bus on our way back to Manila, dark clouds covered the sky. The road was wet from raining while it drizzles on and off. My eyes are a bit swollen from crying when another question pops in my head, who will hold my hand when I give birth to my firstborn? You will never see my child. Neither you'll be there to walk me down the aisle when I get married. I hope I can be as close as a mother that you were. In another life, I hope God will still be kind enough to make me your daughter again.

          I remember how you taught me my very first speech. You stayed by my side to make sure that I won't forget a single word. I remember how you hated it when you see me 'inked' with Vince Hizon's name on my arm. Albeit it's just a ballpen ink, you still hated the fact that I like tattoos.

           I remember how you hated my 'rebellious' black shirts. You believe it's bad omen while I think it's cool. I remember how your world stopped when I innocently asked you what a "blow job" is. And I remember how you recovered with a smart answer saying that it's a bad word because if you interchange the words, it will read job blow (diablo).

            I remember our first fight over a broken curfew law. I treated you cold while you reached out to me. I remember how I got mad at you over a crappy boyband cassette tape. I was throwing tantrums but you were able to come up with lines that made me look like the 'not thoughtful' one when you were the one who forgot.

           I remember how you taught me to be confident by saying "bakit ka mahihiya? Wala ka bang mukha?" But I believe I'll never have the kind of confidence that you had. I remember how you always describe me as "walang dila". See, I'm always scared and distrustful of people to try to talk to them.

          I remember how your face lit up when I told you I wanted to take Accountancy. You wanted me to teach but my idea was better. I remember how your face went pale when I told you that I was so close to being expelled from college. You were afraid that everything we've been working on so hard would be washed away in an instant.

       I remember how you didn't allow me to watch a basketball game on my 18th birthday. Such a bummer. But I always listen to you no matter how I hated the idea that it was based on some stupid superstition. Just like how you didn't permit me to go swimming after our high school graduation. Heck, you didn't even let me attend the testimonial dinner after my oath-taking. 

          I remember how your voice cracked over the phone when I told you I passed the CPA board exam. You were so proud, I can tell. It makes my heart want to burst with happiness. You wanted me working in a bank. I wanted more. And I got more.

           I remember how you freaked out when you see the scar on my neck thinking it was a permanent tattoo. You shook me so hard while I was laughing at you. I remember the relief on your face when I told you it was just a scar from having henna ink reapplied on it. You really hated tattoos.

       I remember I once told you that I don't want to get married but you told me otherwise and worriedly asked who will take care of me when I get old. I remember how you constantly reminded me to choose a man who can and will understand my work so he won't question every time I spend working.

           I clearly remember my 26 years of existence on Earth with you and I will never forget that you are the only person I ever trusted. Your words are the only advice that I ever listened to. Your thoughts are the only truths I ever believed in. I may have lost you but your memories will stay with me forever. And I will give everything if I can have you back. I love you, Mama. - C